In early spring things look different. The trees are still bare but we see the buds lining the branches. The lawn is still a muddy tangle but we notice the first green blades of grass. It’s not so much the scene that has changes as our way of looking at it. When you find yourself frustrated by the demands of a loved one who constantly complains, criticizes or
meddles, try viewing the situation from a similarly fresh perspective. There is a good change you will find, not a person deliberately seeking to make your life miserable, but someone who is simply trying to
maintain his or her place in the world.
Understanding this can help you related to them more compassionately.
Consider what causes a person needing care to complain or criticize. In many cases it is a response to
the loss of activities and personal contacts that you take for granted – things as basic as a casual
conversation at the check-out counter. As these elements of life disappear, the person needing care may
compensate by, for example, constantly dwelling on minor complaints or developing a preoccupation
with his or her health.
This doesn’t necessarily mean that they are self-centered. Rather, these concerns that may seem trivial
to you become a substitute for real events in the care recipient’s life. Knowing this, don’t throw up your
hands in exasperation every time your loved one starts in on their aches and pains. Instead, view it as
your cue to reaffirm your concern for them and their well-being.
Try not to take it personally when your care recipient resists or criticizes your efforts. It is hard for
formerly strong and independent individuals to experience increasing loss of independence. They often
respond by opposing even small changes and by trying to exercise control in what is now their limited
sphere.
One woman helped her son raise three children but moved into an apartment following his remarriage.
Shortly thereafter she began to criticize her granddaughter’s efforts at cooking. Of course there was
nothing wrong with these efforts – she was simply trying to reassure herself that she still had a role to
play. Her granddaughter relaxed when she realized that the criticisms were not personal and the fault-
finding stopped when the grandmother saw that her contributions were still being valued.
The best response in this case was reassurance rather than harsh words. That’s easier to do if you can
look beneath the surface of your care recipient’s frustration behaviour. Care recipients want what
everyone else wants – personal contact, responsibilities, a sense that they are participating in the world
and that they have something to contribute. You, as a caregiver, react negatively when you find yourself
with too many of these; care recipients react negatively when they have too few. Knowing that – and in
honor of the new season – may each of you experience understanding and compassion.
