“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.” Helen Keller
Being together and sharing stories and events is the foundation of our relationships. But when older people develop sensory losses, physical disabilities and cognitive losses, visitors are sometimes uncomfortable and not sure what to do. Communication is possible, but in different ways. Your interest and pleasure, as you respond to and build on an older person’s emotional stance, will provide guidelines and feedback to you about the precious moments that visits can provide.
Maintaining our identity, our sense of competence, is central to all of us and this attribute continues as
we age. The older person needs to feel respected and validated throughout the visit. Emotional memory
persists for those with cognitive loss. Observe and interpret behaviour and use as clues as to have to
proceed. Acknowledge your relative’s feelings and emotional state. Empathize, then move onward in a
respectful manner.
Change your expect5ations of visits as your relative’s functioning undergoes changes. For elders who
suffer from me4mory loss or speech impairment, try to avoid asking information – seeking questions,
such as “What did you have for lunch?” Turn questions into statements about the here and now. For
example, “It is good to see you today”, “I like your shirt/dress.” Activities can help generate pleasurable
feelings. For example, try brushing their hair or massaging their hands with perfumed cream. Listening
to music, browsing through a magazine, sitting at the window, or going with them to a program are all
activities that provide your elder with pleasure and stimulation without the need to make conversation.
Create a tangible record of your times together such as a journal/visiting log or taped conversation that
can be referred to at other times by your relative, staff or friends. The process of reflecting on past visits
created positive feelings for the older person. As in all of life, a sense of humor is often the best tool to
help us through uncomfortable moments. Humor can open the door to lost emotions, simple
understandings and even some insight.
Visiting your relative in a long-term care home can be a challenging and stressful experience for you and
your elder. Having realistic expectations and insight about yourself, your elder and the institution will
help with this transition. If your relative blames you for ‘putting them away’ or upsets you for other
reasons ask to speak with a social worker or other staff members. There may be a support group you
can join to find out that you are not the only one experiencing these feelings. Before you visit, prepare
yourself for what mood your relative might be in. If the visit is not going well, give yourself permission to
shorten it.
Visiting takes energy and the following might help you prepare. Arrange to visit when and how often it
works for you. What times are best for your relative? Be aware of scheduled activities and consider
whether you would like to attend with your relative or visit at a quieter time. Consider a location that
allows you some privacy to visit and minimizes the amount of noise and distraction.
